One sign that time has been well-spent

When time is well spent, it breaks your heart to say goodbye. Even though you know it will only be for a little while and that you'll not always be  apart, it can still rip your heart in two.

When time is well spent, miles and years can never really separate what has been deeply intertwined in your heart. Because being together has changed who you are. Not because they changed you but because they gave you the courage to be who you really are. To be vulnerable. You were you. And they were they. And you loved each other. Kindred spirits.

And now it is time to say goodbye. For awhile.

I think sometimes the 'for awhile part' makes people think that the goodbye doesn't hurt as much. But that is not true. The only time goodbye doesn't hurt is when it was time NOT well-spent.

There was a vivid time in my life when goodbye didn't hurt. I was glad to be leaving. I look back on that very difficult year of my life and there is not much redeemable from that time, certainly no relationship or connection from that time.

God profoundly used that time in my life in other ways. But at the end of that school year, goodbye didn't hurt. It was a relief.

It was one of the few times in my life when goodbye didn't hurt. Maybe the only time.

So now I know that I don't really want to feel only relief and gladness to be getting away. Even though I don't want to be feeling this. This heart-wrenching good-bye. Even though I don't want to say goodbye right now, even though I don't want to hurt this way.....it is good.

It is good. Time has been well-spent.

I have been given an amazing gift. As a friend reminded me last night, sometimes we don't know how much the Lord has given until He takes it away.

I knew they were special. I knew that I loved them. But I don't know if I knew what a great, grand gift I had been given in their special friendship throughout the years.

We have stories of rattlesnakes, flat tires, wet camping trips, and shivering trips tubing down a  river. We've been at each others weddings and graduations and baby births. We've held each others hands as we've said goodbye to a mom and a dad. We talked and laughed and camped and cried. We've jumped off cliffs. Played cards til the wee hours of the night.  Brewed coffee, run races. Watched chickens and flowers grow. We've spun our lives together for more than twenty years. What a gift.

Soon these kindred spirit friends are moving far away -- four thousand miles far away -- for at least three years. I love their courage, their pluck to live their calling.

I am inspired.

And sad.

My heart is breaking. It feels like it may never recover.

Time has been well-spent. Thank you. Amen.

*  *   *

How about you? Any painful goodbyes recently?

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Linking with Jen at the Last SDG party. 

Make new friends, keep the old (Part I)

Kindred spirits

Lately, I have been having a hard time. I have been missing my old friends. The friends that have been close for most of the years that I have lived in Tennessee. You see, about three years ago, God called my husband & I and our four children to a new church.

It took about 6 months from the call to make the transfer but here we are three years later. Still at the new church. Called and transferred. Planted.

We are still loved. Oh, so still loved and cared for by the old church. We stay connected as much as we can. When we get together, it is almost as if we never left.

My laugh-out-loud, Jesus passionate friend

But, it is not the same.

I don't see them every week anymore. I don't know the details of their lives and they don't know mine. I see the big prayer requests and I pray. They pray for mine. If I called and asked for help, they would be here in a heartbeat. I even occasionally have moments of daily life interaction because I haven't moved across the country or across the state. I am in the same house across the city.

But... I am across the city.

And we -- my friends and I -- are all in that middle stage of life doing all the work. Our lives are very full with jobs, and with children, and with taking care of parents and other family members. Our lives are full. For that I am so grateful.

I have so much to be thankful for.

The next generation of friendships

But this living across the city, going to a different church; it is not the same. As seeing them Every Week. And sometimes more than once-a-week.

I need to be careful or I can get in a woe-is-me kind of attitude. Why haven't they called? (Because of course I don't ask when is the last time I have called them? I don't usually see it from that perspective.)

Friend visiting causes us all to get together

As a new friend reminded me this weekend, embrace the change. You don't want to hinder the work God wants to do in the other person's life because you have been holding on to them too long. And so it reminds me of the song I learned in Girl Scouts:

"Make new friends, but keep the old

One is silver and the other gold"

I have never known for sure which one is silver and which one is gold. These old and new friendships. But they are both precious. The old friends: we have walked many paths together: early marriage, having kids, watching your child go into brain surgery, miscarriages, band gigs, State Fairs, Bible studies, recipe exchanges, talks on the phone, Clash parties, parents dieing, sickness, Anne-a-thons, selling Discovery Toys and Creative Memories, New Year's Eve parties, birthday parties, salsa, long Sunday afternoons hanging out together, Far Out Fridays, tears, crying, and just everyday-living together. So much life. So thankful.

And yet this new set of friends that God has uniquely called together. This new bunch of home-school moms walking out this life together. Answering my desire to have friends close by that it is easier to get together with. That inspire. That are walking out this home-school thing right here in my neighborhood.


But... I had wanted it to be the old friends. Right here. Right next door. But...it is not how God has planned it. He has asked me to embrace the new. Embrace the multiplying ministry in my life; in their life.

Embrace the new because really I am doubly blessed. Doubly enriched to have all these deep sets of friends.

But I have been mourning the loss of daily living. So many things have happened that I have wanted to share the details with. Oh, we'll get together soon and share the details -- as much as possible in an evening. In some ways, it will seem as if no time has slipped by. Those are amazing friendships.

My loyal, quiet, steady do anything for you friends

But it is not the same. This walking life out not as closely as we once did.


And I noticed in Genesis how much Joseph wept upon seeing his brothers and his father. He wept a lot. He wept a lot just before saying, "You intended this for evil but God intended this for good." (No evil intent in all this...just God...intending for good.)

And so it seems to me that there can be weeping in the midst of embracing the new. Embracing the call God has upon my life. And so my weeping doesn't have to mean that I'm not embracing the change in my life.

My crazy mama (her self-dubbed name)  life of the party friend

I am reminded that it is oh so good to miss them -- these old friends of mine-- terribly. It is not the same as packing up all of my belongings in my little blue car and being thankful to be leaving. Not shedding a single tear of departure there. Instead I rejoiced; so glad to be leaving. It was not hard to say good bye then. And now 20 years later, I am in touch with no one from that year of my life -- that hardest year. The place that I shed no tears upon leaving.


Ahhhh, but the old church. I have shed many tears upon not seeing you every week.

And that is a good thing.

It means the ride's been worthwhile. It is only for a little while that I have this sorrow. And really in heaven...I will get to spend time with all of them there.

So perk up little heart, it will be okay.

* * *

Linking up with Company Girls.

My new friend, Morning

I am becoming friends with Morning. There was a time when we were enemies.

For many years, duty demanded that I get up. The alarm went off. I went through the motions and then I took off for the day. Then, the days of little ones surrounded me. Their hungry bellies compelled me to get up and feed them.

But, I have always delighted in the night time hours -- anytime after 9 p.m. During high school, I stayed up late reading. Then came college when I stayed up late talking & talking & talking. Most of my closest friends in college were made during those late night talks.

Over the years of parenting, I have realized that my late night tendencies and my Morning avoidance were a detriment to mothering well. So there has been a lot of angst and push and pull to get up earlier.

There have been bouts of pushing myself to get up earlier, no matter what. I just need to do this. But, after a couple of months of getting up earlier and only rarely going to bed earlier, I would crash and burn, usually punctuated by sickness.

I would feel so much guilt. I began to set up Morning (as in getting-up-early-in-the-morning) as an idol, a cure-all for all of my failings & down-falls. There was too much pressure on Morning to deliver me from all of my short-comings.

Most of the time, I would get rolling slowly in the morning. When the expectations of the day and the reality of the day would come crashing in on me, I would feel guilty for sleeping in. I would lose my temper easily with my children.

Resolved to do better, I would get up early the next day. And lo, and behold, I was still be quick to lose my temper with my children.

Getting up early didn't solve all my problems!

I was in a lose-lose situation.

I had to get out of thinking that Morning would save me. No, Jesus saved me. Getting up early in the morning would not solve all my problems.

So, oddly enough, the first real step in becoming true friends with Morning was avoiding her, ignoring her. Don't look at the clock. Just get up and do your routine. No pressure.

Then, as time went on. I saw the need to get going earlier. The need to lead the children. When I went to bed earlier, sometimes I awoke on my own. Most of the time, I don't.

Finally, Morning and I have made peace.

I am not seeking to save my soul (or my parenting) via Morning. I don't hate Morning anymore. I have even liked Mornings on certain days!

What a shocking thing to say! What? Me, the night owl? Known for keeping crazy, late hours? How could I like Morning!?! (It was just as shocking for me to say: I like cooking but that is another story related to the one HERE.)

Morning and I now have a few wonderful shared moments together. Not a lot. But a few. And I found out that I like her!

This, this Morning that I have hated so long. I like her. She forgives me when I stay away for days and days. Just as happy to see me as if I had been there every day.

She is nice like that.

What does this look like? Probably on the outside about the same as it did before. Some days I get up and get going. Some days I snooze the alarm again and again. There are days I have even slept through my alarm. But, occasionally I wake before the alarm and have a beautiful time with Morning.

I have made peace with Morning.

We're in the early stages of building a friendship. I don't know that Morning & I will ever be kindred spirits. But at least we are becoming friends. And I think I like it.

* * *

How about you? Are you friends with Morning?

My friend Melanie

I saw her walking across the playground by the ball field all by herself.

My friend Melanie.

Melanie: the one who befriended the girl who no one else would talk to. So now no one talked to her.

Including me.

Even though....

. . . we had laughed together at each other's houses. Even though we'd been to each other's birthday parties, worked on school projects together, and even talked about God into the wee hours of the morning. We had shared our hearts.

Even though she was my friend. I ignored her.

We had met in the third grade when a mutual friend introduced us. My friend found Melanie on the playground because she beat up the boys. Melanie came to our rescue. I don't remember any bruises or anything. I think it was mostly that she was tall and unafraid. But either way, after that, the boys left us alone.

The following year, Melanie & I were in the same class. Everyone in the class had fun together. We were all friends that year. Fourth grade was a wonderful year.

But that was the fourth grade and this was the sixth grade. Things had changed. Different rules applied.

Melanie talked to the girl. You know the one. The one no one talked to. Not only did Melanie talk to her, she sat by her at lunch. She befriended her. Therefore, sixth grade rules applied. You talk to her, no one talks to you.

So, no one talked to Melanie, including me.

I missed her. But I wanted more than one friend. I wanted us all to be friends. Honestly, I didn't even know if I liked the girl we weren't suppose to like or not. I just knew I didn't want to be shunned. So I didn't talk to her or to Melanie. Even though I wanted to.

Instead, I hung out with the cool people.

Until that day: the one where I noticed Melanie walking around the playground all by herself.

Now, I wish it could be said that I had noticed her all by herself for a good reason. Even the girl that she had befriended didn't appreciate her and had run off to hang with someone else. And Melanie was alone. I would like to say that is why I noticed her.

But it wasn't.

It was because it was my turn that day to be shunned.

That day the cool people decided it was my turn. No one was to talk to me. At first, I was wondering if it was happening. We were in class after all. But once we were all at lunch and recess, it was quite obvious that no one was talking to me.

I pestered Lynn again and again and again. "What did I do?" I was quite bothered that I had done something wrong. Finally, Lynn told me, "You didn't do anything wrong. We just wanted to see what you would do if everyone ignored you."

Really?

I walked away.

That's when I saw Melanie across the playground, walking all by herself in the empty baseball diamond.

The one who stood by the girl when no one else did.

The one who welcomed the new girls to school even when the new girls didn't keep being her friend.

The one who laughed with me.

The one who shared secrets with each other and no one else.

The one who introduced me to the sacred truth.

She was alone. And I now I knew this truth, too: One true friend is way better than a whole crowd of cool people. That I knew.

What I didn't know was if I had lost my chance to be friends with Melanie. I didn't deserve to be her friend. I had ignored her for weeks. I had hurt her. I was ashamed.

Nevertheless, I walked up to her across the playground. I don't remember what words I used or if I ever asked to be forgiven. But I do know that she walked back across the playground with me that day. And I felt forgiven.

We were both smiling.

That time wasn't the only bump in the road of our friendship. There were other times we hurt one another. But never intentionally again.

Me & My friend Melanie, last summer (yes the image is a little fuzzy).
When I can scan an old photo of us I'll come back and edit to have a then & now photo.

She has been a true friend to this very day. My friend Melanie. The friend I have had the longest.

One true friend was better than the cool crowd. I'm glad I learned that lesson in the sixth grade.

* * * *

How about you? Do you have life lessons that you learned in the sixth grade? Have you had a true friend like Melanie in your life? What have you learned about friendship through the years?

Linking up for some Company Girl Coffee HERE at Home Sanctuary.
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