Twenty three years ago today

Twenty-three years ago today I arrived in Tennessee in my shiny, bright, blue Toyota Tercel, loaded with most of my worldly goods.

I drove up a big hill and unpacked my belongings into Jill & Jane's place, where I lived for my first month in Tennessee. I secured an apartment for Tammy & I; we had mutual friends and had spoken on the phone. Our mutual friends said we had met at a retreat during college, but on that July summer day when Tammy opened the door to our apartment, we both agreed that we had never seen each other before that moment. A month later, Suzanne would join our apartment, making it a trio.

A year after I arrived in Tennessee, both Tammy & Suzanne had moved back to the Upper Midwest and I would be married to 'my friend, Kip.'  When I think of those early days of Tennessee, many, if not most, of those friends have moved away.

Growing up in Minnesota, I had always wanted to move South, where it was warmer. I had wanted adventures, to see places, to live overseas. After college I began my quest for adventure by applying for jobs outside of my home state. I interviewed in California and Michigan. I landed the Michigan job, where I spent my first year out of college. It was a trying, difficult year, but it honed my desires, specifically I realized that I didn't care as much what I would do for a career or what kind of adventures that I would have or where I would live but I definitely knew who I wanted to be with: Kip.

So I swallowed my feminine pride that wanted him to chase me, took a risk, and moved across the country to see if this friendship with Kip Jaeger might work out. And work out it did! We'll be celebrating our 22nd anniversary next month.

I needed to fly away from the home and family that I love dearly to find my own wings and to become my own person. I had no idea all that the journey would entail. Of course, none of us know that when we begin any journey or adventure. The unknown is part of the thrill & the excitement.

During these twenty three years, I have grown roots here in Tennessee and call it home. I have two homes now: Minnesota and Tennessee. Although the picture book Grandfather's Journey by Allen Say depicts a man torn between his two homes of Japan and the U.S.A, it accurately describes the emotional part of my story: both places are home, yet neither place is fully home.

Yet, perhaps that is as it should be. I am an alien and stranger on this earth waiting for my heavenly home, my true home. Although I have never been there, it is more home than any place I have ever been.

Twenty-three years ago today, this Minnesota lake girl landed in Music City to be near the love of my life. My journey here has been so much more but that's how it began and I'm celebrating that beginning today. 
 

Empty room. Empty heart.

There is an empty place on the floor of my bedroom. A week ago it had the sum of the world's possessions for a young boy, minus the bed and the bike at his grandma's house. Three boxes. Two held his clothes, socks, underwear, shirts, pants and shorts. Some were given to me by his mom. Some had belonged to his cousin. Some had belonged to my sons. One box had his pictures from the airshow, the drawings, the AWANA store.

But there are no boxes on the floor of my room anymore. There is no boy, saying, "Mrs. Jaeger." in his 5-year-old slur that could not pronounce Rs or Ls. No one has awakened me in the night with a bad dream this past week. No one has enticed my youngest into pouring soap all over the counter of the  pink bathroom. My 6 year old has not enticed anyone to throw wet chalk at the back door this week. There's been no biting or wrestling or sandbox playing.

It is cleaner in my room. And in the boys room where the sleeping bag has been put away. My house is cleaner. More convenient. Easier. This week.

I can clean the floor of my room and the boys room. But what do I do with this place in my heart? Do I clean that, too? But how? Because having him here was cleaning my heart: revealing my selfishness, requiring me to think beyond my own inconvenience.

What do you do when you don't want to go back? But you weren't sure how you would keep going forward? What do you do when life has changed and it wasn't your decision for him to come or to go?

I didn't like having nothing left of me. It felt terribly uncomfortable to only be able to rely on the grace of God. But yet I don't really want to go back to relying on me and my strength.

How do I live like I need Jesus all the time when it doesn't feel like it quite so much?

Nine weeks he came to live with us. One day we did not know him. The next he was here sharing our lives whether we liked it or not. He shared our airshow, our cousins, our clothes, our food, our grandparents, our bathroom, our tree house, our sandbox, our swimming excursions, our excitement of riding in the new 'swagger-wagon'.

Sometimes we didn't mind.

Sometimes we did.

Now, there is no one sleeping in the bag in the middle of the boy's room. There are no boxes in my room.

And there's a big gaping hole in my heart left by a five year old boy who doesn't live here anymore.

Oh fill me, Lord, with You and not with me. Fill me afresh today with You. Fill Yourself in the places that you pushed away in my heart, revealing my deep selfishness. Fill it still with your wonderful, matchless grace. 

Keep me in the palm of Your hand as you did when  I could only rely on the grace of God and the prayers of the saints to get me through each step of every day. Amen.

  * * *
Linking up with Jen and Emily.

Precious

O precious is the flow of the sweet half-n-half. Especially when your own son biked to the store, bought it with his own money (earned from other people), and wrapped it up as Mother's Day Gift. 


Coffee is all about the half-n-half and the teasing about mommy's 'precious', a safe subject that a 13-year-old son and mom can joke about. Makes it all the more precious.


Mother's Day morning was filled with many other delights.

Every good and perfect gift is from the Father above. 

So thankful for these ones. And the extra one that has been given for me to mother for a little while 
(I took a pic with all 'five' of my kids but am posting this one due to privacy.)


What are you thankful for today?

100 Things: Part II or Whereby the self-indulgent post goes on and on...

Here it is ... the last 58 items in my 100 Things About Me series-- though I doubt anyone has been on pins and needles waiting for the second part.  In order to end this self-indulgent series quickly, this post is long (just like Part I ...only longer...).  And it is in here where my hidden love -- hopefully family and Jesus are obvious loves -- but there is also tucked away a clue or two about a calling I need to pursue. This will make sense if you read THIS post (just 2 posts back). But if you haven't read it yet, you may need to make that another day because you already need a coffee or tea to make this here post some happy reading!

100 Things About Me: Part II

My father-in-law & mother-in-law, the #1 influence on our decision to homeschool.

43) My mother-in-law is the largest single influencing factor of why I started homeschooling. In addition to home-schooling my husband's brother, who is 13 years younger than him, through high school graduation, she offered to watch the children so we could attend...

With Carole Joy Seid & a favorite book (friend, Carole, me) The second most influencing factor on our decision to homeschool.

44)... a Carole Joy Seid seminar,  which is the second most influencing factor of why I homeschool. After listening to Carole, I thought even I could do this and more importantly, I resonated with the lifestyle she presented as a great learning environment, also.

My crazy, fun, support-filled Teacher's Lounge friends. (I'm seated on the couch, 2nd from the left.)

45) The on-going inspiration for homeschooling is the group of homeschooling mom's called the Teacher's Lounge that meet once-a-month.
46) The family dynamics of homeschooling is a main reason we keep on homeschooling.


47) I changed my major so many times in college my parents needed an index card in their pocket or purse so they could tell their friends what exactly I was studying at that moment.
48) I am still characterized by changing my mind; there are just so many good ideas out there!

49) During my junior year of high school, I decided I wanted to be an elementary ed major.
From that time until my junior year in college, I was an education major. In one conversation with a guidance counselor, I was no longer an education major. I still vividly remember that spring day.

50) It turns out that teacher is truly part of my calling -- I love to teach my four children at home, tutor at the public school, or teach a Bible study. My high school intuition was right; it just took me a long time to find my way.

51) One of the best things I did in college was to become a Resident Assistant.
52) Another best thing I did in the college was to be a part of an on-campus Christian group.
53) Most of my friendships in college were cultivated in the wee hours of the morning, talking.
54) I took a college film class and slept through the reason for Rosebud in the pivotal, classic movie Citizen Kane.

Hubby & I are slated to race each other in a final heat in the bi-annual Jaeger Christmas Derby Races. I obviously don't know how to make an I'm gonna getcha face! Ha! December 2011

55) One of the many jobs I've had was selling Creative Memories scrapbooks & supplies. I still love their products and mission.
56) I was scrapbooking before it became trendy or acid-free.
57) I love paper and pens.
58) I love to write letters as much as I love receiving a hand-written letter in my mail-box.
59) I love to stay in-touch with friend and wish that I could stay "best" friends with everyone.

60) I have written since I learned how to write in the first grade. I have kept a journal since the fifth grade.
61) Being a pack-rat by nature, I have all the journals that I've ever written and the stories I wrote in the first grade.
62) I have dreamed of becoming a novelist since I was a young girl.

63) I love to play volleyball.
64) Watching the sunset over water soothes my soul.

One of the 10,000 lakes in Minnesota. Photo by me.

65) I love water. I like to swim in it and to ski on it. I like to go to the ocean, the lake, or the river.
66) I like to drink water. Or take long, hot showers.
67) My fascination with water is one of the reasons that my favorite color is blue.

68) Chocolate and garlic are my friends.

69) I love going out to eat with friends (real friends, not the chocolate and garlic).
70) I love staying up late: either talking with friends or simply by myself.
71) At a fifth-grade slumber party, I began my quest to see the sun rise by staying up all night. It never occurred to me to get up early to see the sun rise!

72) I love playing card and board games.

73) The point of drinking coffee is about the half-n-half. Just plain half-n-half. No low-fat substitute. No artificial flavorings. Just yummy, creamy half-n-half.

74) The nine months that I spent in Michigan were the hardest in my life, so far.
75) It took me years not to mention that time without tears in my eyes. And sometimes I still tear up.

76) I love candles, especially to light them and enjoy their glow.

77) I love music.

The 6 of us singing from a Seeds CD during our Christmas Eve celebration. Dec. 2009

 78) I love to sing, play guitar & piano, and compose songs. I'm not the best at these things but I love them passionately and hope that in heaven I'll finally have the voice that I've always longed for.

79) I like naps. (Especially snuggled in with my kids.)

80) We still have a phone that is attached to a wall with a cord. (No, it is not a rotary phone and yes it does work. People have asked when they see it!) I do enjoy a good phone call with a friend!
81) I know how to text.(This may shock some of my friends I've known the longest.)
82) I have only had a cell phone for a year. My husband still doesn't.
83) I have not yet joined Facebook.

Hubby & I. October 2011

84) I have known my husband longer than I have not known him (since my birthday in September of 2011). More time with him than without him. Thank you Lord!

85) From friendship to marriage took four years.
86) I tease him about how long it took but I needed the time, too.

87) I love leading Bible studies.
88) I love hearing other people's stories.
89) Sometimes you can't tell because I'm doing all the talking. I always have to work at listening to others. (But I really do enjoy hearing other people's stories!)

90) Sunshine makes me happy.
91) And yet, I am often thankful for a rainy day, too.

92) I like to cook & bake.
93) I have learned to enjoy managing a household.

Delivering the annually requested homemade blueberry birthday pie to my oldest. Sept. 2010

94) I like my things organized but my time unstructured.
95) A vacation seems like a vacation to me when we we're able to do what we want, when we want, without a thought of a clock or a to-do list.

96) I have a 'one-dollar' look. (This will need further explanation than I can give it here.)

Celebrating my birthday with a decadent chocolate cake made by my husband. 2011

97) I love to laugh.
98) I enjoy meeting new people & making friends (including on-line ones!).
99) I am not mechanically-inclined and even less so now after being married to a mechanically-inclined person for 18 years (because I let him do all of that).

100) Although a ramp-up person (for instance my blog is  two years old and I am just now getting to my 101st post, actually), I also like to dive-into cold water rather than gradually get in. (Hence another aspect of the dichotomy of my non-existent personality type.)

How about you?
Is there an interesting fact or two you would like to leave in the comments about you? Or if you like you could give a big woo-hoo that this post is done!
If you want to write 100 things or already have,
in the comments leave us a link to your blog where we can learn about you.

Welcome Company Girls -- Jump on over to Rachel Anne's to meet another group of wonderful women.