|Balloons to say goodbye to Papa.|
What is it that I miss? Daily visits to the hospital or the guilt if we didn't make it that day? Exhaustion to a degree I had never physically known?
No, none of that.
But I do miss the clarity of crisis. Crystal clear decision-making about what I needed to do.
Go to the hospital.
Feed the children.
That could be the entirety of my to-do list for a day. It would also take the entirety of my energy and focus. Or the list could be:
Take children to events so life seems more normal.
Or buy groceries. Just buy groceries today.
Unless, of course, a phone call came and set us spinning in another direction. I don't miss that. I don't miss not being able to plan. I don't miss the medical set-backs and unknowns. Yet somehow life seemed more free. There would be the times that I would just need to go home. Even if there were no groceries and no plan for dinner. Home was what I needed that day. All six of us needed it.
I miss knowing with certainty that what I was doing -- whether it be a hospital visit or buying groceries -- it was what I was called to do that day. It is strange to think that during a time when I couldn't keep up with all the details of my life and would forget things such as my turn to bring snacks to choir and that during a time that I found it hard to smile that I actually miss something from that time.
I have pondered about this and wondered if there was a way to bring the Clarity of the Crisis Mode into every day. I certainly have not done a good job of this. There have been days when I've been paralyzed by the ideas and choices swirling around in my head, trying to decide what is best about things that don't really matter.
Crisis Mode brought a clarity to the needs of the day. The urgent was the important. It was easy to be about the important, the eternal, when life hung in the balance.
Most days it is easy to get tossed about by urgent distractions that pull me away from what is really important. Yet, now I have discerned the key of the clarity in crisis: the urgent and the important were the same. This brings hope to my every day life.
If I can find the important -- whether or not it is urgent -- then I can again be about the important, eternal things in my corner of the world.
Even though there have been moments when I have been paralyzed by the swirling ideas and choices in my head, I have known even now in the months since Crisis has slowed down that I have been about important things. I have been about tending to the many things which were not tended to during the months of Crisis Distraction.
And so... these days I have been organizing my home, spending time with my children, focusing on my husband, reading my Bible, praying, writing, running, making food, and staying home.
While I long to reach out and connect some more with friendships that have been neglected during the last while, I trust that with time I'll once again be able to look out beyond the realms of our home again.
Unless, of course, the phone rings again and sends us spinning in an altogether different direction.
Yet, for today, I am thankful for the cozy at-home day we had today.
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How about you? Have you ever been surprised by a longing for some aspect of a difficult time in your life? Join the conversation in the comments. I would love to hear your thoughts!
* * *This post continues my thoughts of ICU Lessons of Faith. As I write posts about the lessons of faith in My Clarence Chronicles Series, I will continue to number the days of my postings and list them on Day 1's Index Page. But I will also begin to spread my wings and begin to write of other things in this space, too.
* * *Join me at Jen's place for other women writing for His glory? I find it to be a place of encouragement, perhaps you will, too.